Innocence Lost

I first heard about the Sandy Hook tragedy during lunch on Friday from my co-worker, who had heard second-hand from someone else. We didn't know much. I made the mistake of looking at cnn.com before I picked my kids up from recess, and then had a hard time pulling myself back together. None of the kids knew about it until after school that day.

I usually try not to engage too much in the media surrounding these kinds of tragedies, mostly because I have a hard time emotionally handling it. But it's different with this one. It hits too close to home for me. I see stories about Victoria Soto who was a first grade teacher in her late twenties, and I can't help but relate to her. I can only hope and pray that I would be as brave and protective as she was in that situation. I see pictures and stories about the children, all twenty of them first graders, and I can't help but think of each and every one of my own students. I think about the lockdown drill we spent months talking about, and I want to know more details about what happened because I want to know what I would have or should have done had I been there.

I've always taken some comfort in working at an elementary school. When we talk about Columbine and the other school shootings that have happened in my very own district, I think to myself, "Those are high schools. Or even middle schools. Not elementary schools - that would never happen here." It is absolutely incomprehensible to me that it did.

I am dreading going to school tomorrow morning. I know my students, and I know that they'll bring it up. When we had to practice the lockdown drill, they wanted to talk about it for hours. When there was a kidnapping and murder nearby, they wanted to talk about that extensively too. As a result, my sweet little Kendal is too scared to go to the bathroom by herself because "a bad guy might be in there." I don't remember having these kinds of fears as a child. I was scared of the dark and of ghosts, but there was no such thing as a school shooting. The first national tragedy I can remember was the Oklahoma City bombing, which was when I was in 5th grade. Columbine happened my freshmen year of high school. I didn't grow up with these kinds of things as a reality, we didn't have lockdown drills. I feel like there is a saddening amount of innocence lost for these children who now have every right to fear going to the movies, walking in their neighborhoods, and going to school. It is absolutely heartbreaking to me.

My goal for tomorrow, should it be brought up, is to acknowledge their feelings or fears, encourage them that everyone in our school works hard to ensure their safety, and then not dwell on it. I want for us to be able to focus on fun and learning and Christmas and everything good this week. 

In the meantime, I'll continue to pray for Sandy Hook and for our world. I am especially grateful in times like these to have faith in something bigger and better than the life we have on this earth.