I guess I have a lot to say today...

A trip to Seattle was exactly what my heart needed. I had the most wonderful birthday weekend I could have hoped for! I stayed with Laura and Mike, who are such cherished and wonderful friends, and they spoiled me with gifts and meals and play-time with kittens. I was able to reconnect with quite a few old friends and just breathe in every bit of Seattle that I could. Plus, Mount Rainier was out every day I was there, which is a real treat! Lucky, lucky me.

Instead of spending the day with my crazy little first graders, I spent Monday with my favorite people from when I taught in Washington. The majority of my day was spent with my old work-BFF, Lindsey, and the two adorable baby boys that she's had since I moved away two years ago. It was such a blessing to just hang out and talk with her again, even in the midst of the craziness that is now her life. I desperately miss working with Lindsey and being able to talk to her on a regular basis, so that time was very precious to me. In the afternoon, I actually got to meet up with a few of my old students. Three years ago, I had my first full-time teaching job with sixth graders, who are all now ninth graders, whether I like it or not. I realize that meeting up with your old students is not exactly a normal thing for most (or any?) teachers to do. But the way that my heart operates is that once you're important to me, you always are. And the few girls that I met up with were seriously important to me, even if they were/are sometimes awkward and act like they don't even want to see me. But sweet Sophia, who is brilliant and beautiful and admirable, showed up with a gift (including a glass vile with rocks and water from Green Lake in it!!!) and actually started crying because she was so happy to see me. And then I cried too, obviously. It just reaffirmed for me how much I miss being able to have that kind of connection with my students. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time with these little first graders - they are sweet and cute, but we will never be able to connect on that deeper level like I did with my sixth graders (and a few of my third graders too). I miss the kind of relationship that I could have with my students, which seriously looked so different from what I am able to have this year. 

Anyway.

I came back to find out that my students had been pretty awful for our sub, and Everett took two trips to the office, which is a first. My sub is in our building all of the time, and had even subbed for my kids before, and said the following: 

"You have no reason to think that you are not succeeding with these kids - they are impervious to any kind of verbal directions (that last more than 20 seconds) for the most part. Sorry to say, but you have a very tough group of kids that do not follow directions very well." 

It is actually quite comforting to know that I am not the only one who thinks or sees this. 

I also came back to find this: 

Apparently my fish didn't survive the weekend. I'm actually really sad about Spiky - we had a good thing going. 

So maybe it was because I was sad about leaving Seattle and sad about Spiky and tired as hell, but the kids absolutely broke me today. I cried. Yep, it happened. 

We spent so much of our day relearning how to behave - how to transition to and from the carpet, how to work quietly at our seats, how to read silently, how to play math games, etc, etc. And this afternoon I spent 5 minutes getting them silent (which is nearly impossible), and bribed them with "smiley points" for staying quiet while they packed up, and they didn't even make it ten seconds. After a whole day of this kind of crap, I just lost it. I didn't let them see that I was crying, and they wouldn't have noticed anyway because they were so busy acting like raving lunatics. Then while they were in P.E., I really let it all out to my teammate and special ed teacher.

I am just so frustrated. I feel like I am trying everything I know and have learned when it comes to management, taking in all of the advice that I'm getting, and it's actually getting worse. They just don't. stop. talking. And they don't respond to me at all - when I'm trying to get their attention or trying to tell them something important or trying to teach them or trying to get them to shut up. It's absolutely disrespectful, and they totally don't get it. And I just keep thinking, I have to do a whole year of this?!? I just don't even see how that's possible. Eight more months... it just might kill me.

Here's to hoping that some more sleep helps me keep myself together...